17 November 2014

GUILT ++ EMBRACING IT

I've been having a little bit of a difficult time lately. I don't know if it's because it's the holiday time of year, and I always seem to get a wee bit prickly around now. 

I feel full of this tremendous guilt. Guilt that people don't have warm coats, guilt that there are hungry children, guilt that not everyone has a happy life. I worry about stray animals when it gets cold, and I have a difficult time enjoying a snow day when the mobile meal services get canceled. do they just go hungry?

I've always felt things deeply. I can be downright sensitive on occasion with things slicing me to the very core. As I've gotten older (and wiser) I have tried to get better at taking criticism or ignoring it altogether. (this is sometimes to my detriment as the criticism is constructive and not always optional)

I know in my logical mind that I have no reason to feel this weight. I know that the responsibility to feed the hungry, save every stray, make sure everyone has a warm place to sleep at night, and keep the environment clean cannot completely fall squarely on my shoulders. I know logically that I can do my small part, but I know that others have to do their small part to make a change too. 

Unfortunately, my logical mind is rarely in control of me. This is another unfortunate thing about myself that I am ultimately trying to learn to embrace, just like this over emotional part of me that worries incessantly about every thing in the world. 

These things, along with every other neurotic attribute, are part of what makes me me. And the older I get the more I like the me that I am becoming, so I guess there's nothing left to do except embrace it, and eat cookies. 

06 November 2014

A RANTISH LITTLE POLI-TIC-AL POST

I hate the time of year when it's time to vote. It always turns friends into enemies, and it makes everyone feel like their way is the absolute right way. 

I really don't think there is a "right" way. I think people need to vote for the person that they feel will do the best overall job. I think if there is a particular issue that impacts their life and society in general they can and should vote based solely on that. 

I'm an educator in a low socioeconomic school. I am going to favor people who want to fund public education because I wake up every morning, and I go to work to try to instill hope and inspiration into these kids who are struggling. I go home at night, and I worry about them. I hope that they have enough to eat and are warm as these nights get chilly. I hope that they aren't dealing with traumatic family issues. 

I felt the need to write this because I am really tired of people trying to make anyone else feel bad about their political party affiliation or the way that they voted. I am starting to believe the world would work out better if there were less politics and more people just helping one another. But then...that wouldn't be profitable, now would it?

29 October 2014

DISTRACTING WALLS

Before I start writing this, let me just say, I fully realize that I am crazy.

My walls at my house are too plain. There is barely anything hanging on them. This is because I am as indecisive as a squirrel crossing the road in front of a car. And since I absolutely cannot decide, since it's obviously permanent, I just do nothing.

My walls in my classroom are too cluttered. I have stuff sticking to every single surface. It distracts me. I've seriously never had such a messy classroom. It drives me crazy, but I'm so busy doing other actual stuff that benefits the kids I never have a chance to organize. Next year is what I keep telling myself. 

Why do I think about these things? See first sentence.

But seriously, my friends who struggle with distractions: would a lot of stuff in a lot of colors on classroom walls be distracting? Should I go for a more serene working environment? They're middle school, so they have P L E N T Y of energy.

12 October 2014

LITTLE ANNOYANCES

I hate it when everything bothers me. 

Those days when my hip hurts, and I'm not happy about anything because everything is all wrong. Even though, of course, it's really not all wrong. It's me that's all wrong.

Those days when the weather is gorgeous, but I'm too grump tactic to enjoy it except I keep noticing how beautiful it is which only annoys me more. 

Those days when I have plenty of good books to read only I can't enjoy them because I feel like I should be doing something else. Something more worthwhile. Except I don't want to do anything else. 

This is what anxiety sometimes feels like. It mutates into a constant state of hyper-agitation, and I still haven't gripped quite fully how to deal with this part of it. 




28 September 2014

ON FOURTEEN YEAR OLD SONS

Rhonda Hartman There he is in that picture with me. All taller than me and growing up far too fast for my liking. 

Logically, in my mind, I knew that these days would come when he'd be in high school, and I knew that my time with him would be limited. I knew that he would grow tall and big and strong. I knew that he would be independent because that's what we've taught him to be. I knew all of this.

And I am so proud that he has grown to be all of these things.

But what I didn't know was that fourteen years would pass by in the blink of an eye. I didn't know that I'd miss the smell of baby Jakob quite so much. I didn't know that I'd long for those late nights when he'd wake up, I'd nurse him, and we'd fall asleep together with me holding him. I didn't know that I'd cry at the thought (just the thought!) of him moving away for college. 

I assume that all moms feel this way, but it feels lonely. It feels like I'm the only mom in the whole wide world to ever feel this...this...feeling about him leaving. This is the weirdest feeling ever. It's all pride, anxiety, a sense of accomplishment, lonely, happy, and sad all wrapped into one.

And that's all I have to say about that. 

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