19 March 2015

SPRING BREAKIN'

The Hartman family has been on Spring Break for the past several days, and let me just tell you how lovely it's been. I like having no schedule or things to do except things that I plan for myself to do, and even then I'm the boss of me so if I don't want to do them then I can just not do it. Although as we hit the latter half I began thinking last night of all the things I actually do have to do. 

Like work on my research paper for class, or finish grading essays, or finish up my mid-term....real life comes a callin'. 

I have accomplished much this break though...I have started the re-painting of my dining room set and re-upholstering of the chairs. I have cleaned out a cabinet that was filled with junk. I swept AND MOPPED! (I know. I'm impressed, too.) Plus I slept and slept and slept. Oh yeah I also helped cleaning out the garage, and let me just tell you the garage is no place for me. 

I wish every week was Spring Break, but with better weather than Oklahoma has been having. It's just slightly overcast and a little dreary. I enjoy this weather, but I think my husband was hoping for Springyness. 

This post sucks. And I'm sorry. 

04 March 2015

IT'S OKAY

Anxiety is a bitch.

She sneaks up on you in the middle of a perfectly wonderful morning spent lying on the couch wishing for extra snow because one snow day isn't quite enough. Sometimes I don't even recognize the signs. The tightness in my chest or the restless feeling of discontent. 

I think it's because nothing good is on tv, or because I don't have the right book to read. Surely that is where this feeling is coming from! I roam the house or try to sleep, but nothing makes it go away. I can flip through the channels with a ferocity unknown to mankind, browse the bookshelves aggressively discarding every single book. 

The truth is that there is plenty to watch on television, and I have a plethora of unread interesting books I could read. I have homework I could do, or planning, and I actually probably could use a nap considering the defcon state of grump I've gone into. 

The truth is that this feeling of anxiousness comes from within my own body. It's me betraying me. I have been wanting nothing more than a day to relax because this frustration has been building inside of me, and I wanted a day to decompress. A day to make it all simmer down. A day to remind myself that everything is okay. It's the okayest! 

Now it's late afternoon, and I've spent the whole day fighting this anxiousness because I'm stubborn like that, and I apparently I refuse to believe in the marvel that is modern medicine. 

Maybe I'm still buying into that societal nonsense that says mental illnesses aren't real and so they don't require real medicine or real doctors. Maybe I'm still part owner of the belief that says I should be stronger than this, and I can control these feelings if I just try a little harder. The rational part of me knows all of these things, and yet...the rational part of me isn't the one in control sometimes. 

From the irrational (and rational) part of me to everyone in the whole wide world, if you are struggling it does not make you weak and even if you can't control your feelings it doesn't mean you are less or shouldn't ask for and receive help; if you are near someone who is struggling please be aware that they are already hyper-sensitive of their feelings and lack of control. They do not need you to point it out or give them advice about being strong. It's okay for them to not be strong. It's okay to get help. If you aren't sure what to say, just tell them that. It's okay to feel what you feel. Go ahead.

26 February 2015

THE YEAR OF 34

I have been thinking of my home lately. And this is something I ponder frequently. I always think of things to do to make it more home for me. More the way I want it. Less cluttered. More decorative. Showing of my personality and the family that lives here. 

The Hartmans not being exponentially wealthy does hinder us a little bit. And I've written before about the necessity of making your house a home right now rather than when you can afford it. But there always seems to be something in the way. Some naggling thing stopping me. Okay it's most procrastination and pure laziness. 

I am quite aware of the irony of my life spent wrapped in too many blankets with pillows all over surrounded by piles of clean clothes that need to be folded whilst pinning away beautifully decorated homes. 

It's just that lately I've had less than zero energy, and all of these projects are looming in on me so rather than do them all I just do nothing because that seems to do wonders for my anxiety. What I need is a good old fashioned schedule. Then I need someone to follow me around and give me a good whack when I stray from it. 

Since I will turn 34 in a few days I guess I can consider that my personal new year in which I make my personal resolutions. The year of 34 wants to help Rhonda get organized. Not really organized because although my work may look messy it's really quite organized even if I'm the only person that has the vaguest idea of the system. There is still a system, and I still accomplish all of the goals I set out to accomplish. I just need to translate that to my personal/home life. 

I always complain that I don't have enough time for things, but I actually do have quite a lot of extra time. I just squander it on things that I don't necessarily want to do, and I never do the things I actually need or want to do. The year of 34 shall change that. 

First goal, cleaning schedule. I always get so overwhelmed because the house is a mess, but like I said, rather than simply doing it I ignore it hoping that somehow the house elves will come take care of it for me. (spoiler: they never do!) 

Second goal, home decor schedule. I figure if I separate the house into twelve sections and focus on one section each month then by the time we reach The Year of 35 (good gosh!) that the house will be fully functional and decorated the way I would like for it to be. 

Third goal, open store. I've been longing to open a sort of boutique with interesting type home made goods in it from local people. Think kitschy flea market type of place with interesting soaps, candles, etc.  I have great ideas, but the problem is that I have no clue how to set up the business aspect of it. I can tell you exactly how the shelving shall look and displays shall be set up, but I have no clue how to legally open a business. I really don't want to get sued is the main thing. 

Fourth goal, organic and chemical free life. I've been slowly doing this starting with cruelty free and switching to organic as I go, but I want to really take the plunge. I want to revive the gardens I abandoned and grow things organically. I want an herb garden inside. I want to purge our lives of the chemicals that are most likely slowly killing us. 

The Year of 34 is a big one in my mind. I'm practically a grown up. 

25 February 2015

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!

Today is the day my mom came into the world. 

She has been a great mom, willing to admit to her mistakes, apologize, and keep going. To me that's better than anything. 

She has been a wonderful yaya, and I miss her dearly every single day. I often wish Florida and Oklahoma didn't have all that distance in between them, so I could see her more often.

She's pretty rad. 

Thanks Mom. For everything you have done for me, and thank you for always being there if I need to vent or complain or just talk. I appreciate you. Today and Everyday.

Happy Birthday Mom! <3 p="">

24 February 2015

NOT A GREAT POST

The snows have come with a gentle fury that covered the ground, turned to slush on the roads, and canceled school for the day. This leaves my day wide open to do what I love to do best (read and watch tv while relaxing). I really should be writing, but words seem to elude me when I am working on my long waiting book. Maybe it only wants to be one hundred pages? 

Le sigh. 

Let us talk about other things. Happy things. Like crisp white fluff (can something be both crisp and fluff?) coating the ground with the sun shining on it making it sparkle like glitter while it blinds you. 

The dogs have been out romping in the snow; they come in with balls of ice hardened into their paws and they spend their first few minutes inside chewing it out and de-thawing themselves. 

The cats are curious about the snow but only in the manner that they want to look at it through the window and sniff at the dogs disdainfully, as cats do, when they come in. The cats act like they want to get out and investigate, but all of us who know cats realize that it's just a farce. 

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We just took a trip over to Lake Arcadia to let the dogs run. Tons of photos were taken, so be on the look out for them. Ya know...once I download them from my camera. 

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