01 July 2015


Image result for chronic pain
{photo creds}
This is the first time I am going to clearly write about exactly how I feel every day. I haven't written about this before now because I have been scared and worried and full of anxiety. I haven't written because I didn't want people to think I was faking or complaining or a lazy whiner.

You see I am in pain every single day of my life. I don't have any answers for why I have this pain. I am trying, with a team of doctors, to figure out what is causing this pain. 

When I wake up in the morning I take a minute before even trying to get out bed. Most of the time I have to use one hand to help the other make the first movements of the day because it's so stiff and sore. I have to help my right hip move in order to get out of bed. All of my joints are equal opportunity achers, but my right side is especially hard on me. I believe that my right wrist and my right hip are currently in cahoots to see which one can drive me over the edge first.  

The thing is they're both in second place to the headache that's been plaguing me for the past six to seven weeks. Now the headache never completely goes away, but sometimes it gives me a tiny reprieve. I am hopeful that being back on Topamax will help with the headaches because it did before. We just have to get it back up to the dosage that it becomes therapeutic for me which takes awhile. 

Not everyday is as bad as every other day. It's sort of a crap shoot where you never know what you're going to get. Some mornings I wake up with all of the energy in the world, and I'm ready for an adventure. Then other days I wake up and getting out of bed leaves me exhausted. I have had to sit down to brush my teeth on more than one occasion, or I have to rest after showering. 

Sometimes I know I need to eat something, but the thought of having to make food is exhausting. I find myself weighing the benefits of eating a meal over the energy that will be expended making the meal. 

It's like that with every single thing. And it makes me feel like a crappy mother, a bad wife, and a lousy friend. I have to strategically plan my activities. I can't do too many things in one week because I know that I'll be too tired and in too much pain to keep going. I used to push myself to the point where I would get exhausted and cranky and not be able to do anything except sleep. I've gotten better at selecting which things to say yes to which is still hard sometimes because I feel like I'm letting people down. 

I am at the start of my journey to finally standing up for myself and finding a way to deal with this chronic pain. I will continue to share here now that I have finally found more of my voice. 

24 June 2015


Johnshellie attacking a bag.
Cats are major jerks. 

Twice last night I caught Walter drinking my chocolate milk. Do you know what milk does to Walter?

I will tell you what it does to him.

It makes him throw up. And it did that again last night, so I was forced to clean up cat vomit off the floor after the little thief drank my chocolate milk. 

Every night, Johnshellie climbs on top of me and demands that I pet her to sleep. It doesn't matter if I am reading or watching Netflix on my ipad she will just nudge that sucker right out of the way and demand her pets. 

Myrtle scratches at every single door and window of the house, but then when I get up to let her out she runs away and hides under the bed. It's a fun little game we have apparently except it's only fun for her. 

Then we have Feherty who swipes at my feet as I walk by her every single time and is a menace to society. 

In conclusion, cats are jerks, and I'm not really sure why I love them so much.

23 June 2015


me circa 1998
I've been thinking a lot about high school me. This is mostly because I've been binge watching One Tree Hill. I was a total Peyton in high school. All angsty and sarcastic, but with fantastic taste in music. I even had a classic car that I regret getting rid of so much.

This is a picture of me in high school. It's either the end of Junior year or the beginning of Senior year. The ferret's name is Charley.

So some things that I wish hadn't changed since high school.

  • my metabolism. I was skinny, and I ate whatever I wanted. It was fantastical.
  • flip phones. Those things were sturdy. You could drop them and they didn't die. Plus the batteries lasted forever. 
  • the music. I'm pretty sure 90's rock was better than all of that crap they play on the radio today. Wow, I sound old! 
  • no bills. It was nice not having to pay bills because I was a kid. I mean that part is kind of rad.
As awesome as all of those things were, I'm really glad that high school is behind me. It's hard being a teenager. There is all the worrying about what other people think of you, the cliques, the navigating dating, finding out who you are, figuring out what you like, and making a place for yourself in the world. It's an insecure time in everyone's life, and everyone feels like they're going through it alone. It isn't until later that we all realize that we were all feeling the same way simultaneously. And it's not until later that we realize that the high school us that we felt so insecure about was actually pretty rad. 

19 June 2015


Image result for useless stuff
{photo creds}
I have started clearing out all the useless stuff that our family has accumulated over the years. It's astounding that when I really make myself take a long hard look at whether or not I truly need the Belgian waffle maker that has made one waffle in it's lifetime that I realize we don't need all of this stuff. It doesn't make us happy. 

We complain, a lot, that our house is too small. We often say that we don't have enough storage space, or we will complain that we have too much clutter. 

Today, once I got started it was like I started seeing all of the possibilities of storage for the things we actually do use and need that was being taken up by useless crap that we haven't taken out since we stashed it in whatever closet, cabinet, storage space it is still occupying. 

I cleaned out two huge plastic bins of clothes from the garage. Mostly clothes I haven't worn in years. I'm still not done with my closet. Does anyone really need an entire drawer of ratty old over sized stained t-shirts? I think not. Also, if you were wondering how many striped shirts is too many...the answer is the limit does not exist. 

I have a long way to go, but I feel empowered. I feel like I have found this divine inner peace in myself by getting rid of stuff. Oh I didn't throw it away. We're having a garage sale. And not only this but a new enlightenment came over me that I don't need to go shopping to make me happy because that's how we ended up in this mess. I would seriously buy things just because it was cheap. Then I'd never wear it, but I wouldn't get rid of it because I'd never worn it so it was brand new. It's a vicious cycle. From now on...I'm only shopping with a specific goal in mind. No deviations. 

Go ahead and try it. Get rid of your useless crap. You'll feel tons better.    

12 June 2015


We've been married for five years today.
It's not always easy, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I love this guy with all the cells in my body.
And he loves me back.
That's something I wouldn't trade for the world.
To Tim...today and always...I love you.

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