This is the first time I am going to clearly write about exactly how I feel every day. I haven't written about this before now because I have been scared and worried and full of anxiety. I haven't written because I didn't want people to think I was faking or complaining or a lazy whiner.
You see I am in pain every single day of my life. I don't have any answers for why I have this pain. I am trying, with a team of doctors, to figure out what is causing this pain.
When I wake up in the morning I take a minute before even trying to get out bed. Most of the time I have to use one hand to help the other make the first movements of the day because it's so stiff and sore. I have to help my right hip move in order to get out of bed. All of my joints are equal opportunity achers, but my right side is especially hard on me. I believe that my right wrist and my right hip are currently in cahoots to see which one can drive me over the edge first.
The thing is they're both in second place to the headache that's been plaguing me for the past six to seven weeks. Now the headache never completely goes away, but sometimes it gives me a tiny reprieve. I am hopeful that being back on Topamax will help with the headaches because it did before. We just have to get it back up to the dosage that it becomes therapeutic for me which takes awhile.
Not everyday is as bad as every other day. It's sort of a crap shoot where you never know what you're going to get. Some mornings I wake up with all of the energy in the world, and I'm ready for an adventure. Then other days I wake up and getting out of bed leaves me exhausted. I have had to sit down to brush my teeth on more than one occasion, or I have to rest after showering.
Sometimes I know I need to eat something, but the thought of having to make food is exhausting. I find myself weighing the benefits of eating a meal over the energy that will be expended making the meal.
It's like that with every single thing. And it makes me feel like a crappy mother, a bad wife, and a lousy friend. I have to strategically plan my activities. I can't do too many things in one week because I know that I'll be too tired and in too much pain to keep going. I used to push myself to the point where I would get exhausted and cranky and not be able to do anything except sleep. I've gotten better at selecting which things to say yes to which is still hard sometimes because I feel like I'm letting people down.
I am at the start of my journey to finally standing up for myself and finding a way to deal with this chronic pain. I will continue to share here now that I have finally found more of my voice.